Thursday, April 19, 2012

It's April...and I'm pregnant!

Well you already knew that part (from the last post)....but I say it with a little more conviction now too. I've had 3 doctor's appointments that have all gone GOOD -- good as they can up to this point.  And that's all I can ask....for now.  For the next appointment (the full ultrasound) I'm asking for a LOT more -- health and/or wellness.  We'd take a "non-healthy" baby at this long as that baby had a fair shot at life & living somewhat of a decent life as a baby & child.  I say that because Nicole didn't have a chance....from what we found out after EVERY doctor's appointment.  Even in the slight chance that she would survive after birth, it was made obvious she really wouldn't have any quality of life. That's why I say, if this baby has a decent chance at a decent quality of life - - we'll take it. Is that too much to ask? I'm sure most people would think we now deserve a perfectly healthy child with absolutely no health problems.  But really I'm not even asking for that much.  Truly anything would be better than facing the death of your child....and thinking your child will live as a honestly, if I can get a few steps above that....I'm good.  I don't deserve a perfectly healthy child any more than anyone else.  God, or nature, doesn't owe me anything.  Because I don't think this (losing Nicole to such a debilitating virus) was His he doesn't owe me.  After losing Nicole, I would've traded all of that for a deaf child, a child with autism, down syndrome, cleft palate, anything other than the myriad of disabilities Nicole was faced with....and anything other than, "your child might not survive".  Nearly anything is better than that.  
Enough about that sum it up - - I don't need a "healthy" child - - like everyone says.  I just want another live & grow & enjoy life with us for as long as Pat & I are alive.  Got it?! Got it! 

A few more details about this pregnancy - I'm due at the exact same time I was with Nicole. First week of October....I got pregnant at the exact same time, one year later....and every week I'm the same "pregnant" (i.e. 12 weeks, 16 weeks) that I was last year at the same time. The pregnancy feels exactly the same too - - I got a belly early (and let's not blame this on the baby b/c it's the size of a navel orange right now...and Pat says, "then why does it look like you have a pumpkin in your stomach?!"....real funny Pat).  It's honestly because my abdominal muscles can't hold back all of the rearranging of my uterus & the bloating  I've got.  Only now at 16 weeks do I really have a real "show"...and again, 4 kids later - - I think I'm doing quite well, thank you!!!!  

Similarly, I also have the SAME heartburn & the SAME sciatic nerve pain.  Truly, I'm in a re-run from Nicole's pregnancy....well until my full ultrasound on May 8th - - we're going to change history there.  But if there is a positive note here, maybe it's ANOTHER GIRL! Which I will fully admit would capture my heart....and probably everyone else's.  Again, it's not because I deserve a girl (definitely not to replace Nicole) - - but I want a daughter.  And as I've explained to Pat, I will NOT be disappointed if it's a boy.  I will be disappointed that I lost my only daughter.  I'm afraid I'll turn to the past more & look back on the baby girl I'll never get to raise.  I'll look at her pink blankies & outfits and just think....that's it....that was it....she was it.  That's what I'll be disappointed about.  This baby boy can NOT be a disappointment if he's alive & well - - we will love him to the moon & back - - TWICE OVER! I truly ached the pains of empty arms after losing Nicole, so trust me, that baby boy will be so loved & HELD constantly ; ) Okay, enough about being a boy - - remember, we don't even know yet!!! 
That's a good be continued....May 8th of course (after our ultrasound) ; ) 
I'm praying I come back to this blog with GOOD NEWS!!! Otherwise, I might not be back....

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